Mom Guilt Much? Same! Let’s Talk About It!

If you’ve ever replayed a conversation with your child…

wondered if you handled something the “right” way…

or felt like no matter what you do, it’s never quite enough…

this episode is for you.

In this honest and deeply personal conversation, we’re talking about mom guilt—what it actually is, where it comes from, and why so many moms carry it so heavily.

This isn’t just about those obvious moments where you lose patience or wish you did something differently. This is about the lingering pressure—the kind that shows up when you rest, set boundaries, or try to balance everything life is asking of you.

Inside this episode, we explore:

• What “mom guilt” really is (and why it’s not just in your head)
• The concept of intensive mothering and how it shapes expectations
• Why moms tend to carry more emotional responsibility than others
• How guilt turns into self-doubt—and pulls you out of connection
• Why your everyday moments matter more than you think

Through personal stories, real-life parenting moments, and psychology-backed insight, this episode brings both understanding and relief.

If you’ve ever questioned yourself as a mom…

you are not alone.

And more importantly—

you are not failing.

Content Note / Listener Disclaimer

This episode focuses on the emotional experience of motherhood and may resonate most with moms, especially those navigating guilt, self-doubt, or the pressure to “get it right.”

That said, caregivers of all kinds—including fathers—may find insight and connection in these themes.

This conversation includes reflections on parenting challenges, emotional stress, and personal experiences. Please listen at your own pace and take care of yourself if anything feels activating.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Okay, if you're a mom who overthinks everything you say, who replays conversations after they happen, or who wonders if you're doing enough, being enough, getting it right, this episode is for you. Hi, really glad that you're here. I'm so glad that you're back. Welcome to my podcast. Today I want to talk about something that so many moms carry, but usually don't talk about. Or maybe, you know, sometimes you might mention it here and there, but typically this is something that a lot of moms keep to themselves and internalize. It's called mom guilt. Anybody know what that is? It's the guilt that lingers. It shows up when you're resting, when you take time for yourself, when you say no, and also when you can't be everything all at once, right? Everything that your children need, especially in this society with, you know, a lot of a lot of women, a lot of moms who who are working and are mothering as well, right? It gets quite challenging at times. So this guilt kind of asks, Am I doing this right? I actually remember saying mom guilt out loud once. And I had someone laugh at me, and he said, That's not a thing. I remember thinking it may not be a thing for you, but it's definitely a thing for me, and it sure as hell exists within me. And you know, knowing a lot of other moms, I believe I'm not alone in this, right? It's for so many moms. You're definitely not alone if you've ever felt this mom guilt or this pressure, really. I think mom guilt is another way of saying pressure. So, what is it really? It's not really random, it's not just in your head. There are real reasons that this shows up in the way that it does. One of the biggest pieces of this is something called intensive mothering. It was named this by Sharon Hayes, who's a sociologist. She put some language to it. It's the idea that a good mother should be completely devoted, emotionally available at all times, deeply involved in every part of her child's life, and not just involved, but responsible for how her child turns out. So it's not just love your child, it becomes be patient enough, be present enough, be calm enough, be attentive enough. All of the time. You know, it's it's so exhausting. And I never really stopped to think about this much until probably the last couple years when I was realizing how stressed out I was and how I just couldn't keep it up anymore. You know, I couldn't be everything for everyone anymore. So all of this doesn't really leave a lot of room for being human, right? For making errors. It doesn't account for being tired, for being overwhelmed, having your own needs, learning as you go. It creates this invisible pressure to always be getting it right. People, when that's the standard, even normal moments start to feel like failures. Like when kids are doing what the kids are supposed to be doing, you know, which is making life difficult for parents, right? It doesn't mean that it's a failure. Just because a child is upset about something doesn't mean that you failed them. Just because maybe they act out in a certain situation where you wish that they wouldn't have, doesn't mean that you're a failure. This means that they're a child and you're a parent. That's it. That's all that that means, right? But we we take that internally and and you know, it doesn't help when other people judge, when other people look at you as as though, oh my goodness, that that's your child, you know, get them in line, kind of thing, right? So things like raising your voice, needing space, not knowing what to say, right? Things that are part of being human start to feel like something is wrong. And honestly, if we go even deeper with this, it doesn't just come from one place, it develops over time. It's cultural expectations, right? So what we grow up around, what we are around, biological sensitivity, unclear models, constant comparison, right? So I don't know about you. I mean, if you've never compared yourself to another mom before, kudos to you, because that must be so wonderful, you know. There have been many times that I have compared myself to other mothers, and especially when I was a younger mother, when I was a new mother, you know, it was like everybody did everything better than me. And I just constantly felt like I was just failing one step at a time, right? One thing after another, and it just wouldn't stop, it wouldn't end. I think getting older for me kind of helped, you know. As I got older, I kind of felt a little bit more like, ugh, does this really truly matter? Also, knowledge, you know, to be fair, I did a lot of research on child development and for my job and and also to understand my kids. And the more that I learned about early child development and just development in general, the more I felt like I could give myself a little bit more of a break because what they were experiencing was okay. And what I was experiencing was okay, you know, and I wasn't failing them, it's just that life is hard, and I have my nervous system too, you know. So with all this, you know, you're more attuned, more aware, more responsive, right? It kind of makes you more attuned. And I, you know, I gotta say, like there's certain things that with my children, I just know. I just I just sense like there's something off, there's something wrong, there's something going good, there's something, you know, I can just feel it, I can feel their emotions. I and it and it it hits me pretty deeply. And I gotta be careful because if I allow myself to make decisions based on what I'm feeling that they're feeling, because I'm so attuned to them, then sometimes I might actually make the wrong choice, right? Like maybe try to take their feelings away instead of let them feel it and be there with them as they feel it, right? So I've learned a lot about this, about being able to separate myself enough from my children that I can be helpful to them versus letting myself drown in their emotions, right? So regulation. But but yeah, so when awareness meets pressure, it turns inward, right? So we internalize this, we internalize these feelings, and we internalize it into questioning, into doubt, right? Oh my goodness, I don't know how many times I have doubted myself, I have questioned myself about everything having to do with my kids. You know, I was talking to my friend the other day, and I was like, you know, I'm supposed to be a therapist who helps other parents with their kids, who helps other kids, right? And I'm really good at my job. But then when it comes to my own children, I am a mess. I am such a mess. And it's like everything that I just learned just goes out the window, right? It's so hard. It's so hard being a parent, right? And you know, I I have so much compassion for other parents, but when it comes to me, somehow I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to do better, right? Well, I don't even know where that comes from, you know. So I guess there's something else that's super important to name, and it doesn't always show up the same for every single person. A lot of moms carry this in a really deep way, and a lot of men don't experience it the same way. It's not because they don't care, but the expectations have been different. Mothers have been taught directly and indirectly, and also by example, that so indirectly by example, right? Or messages in our environment, that they are responsible for how their child feels, develops, and turns out. A lot of men aren't really taught that way. So women kind of carry this this secret burden that's not really said out loud a lot, but it's it is in the way that people talk to women, you know. I'm trying to think of an example. Just even in just even in problem solving, you know, when in an in a heterosexual relationship with where there's a mother and a father and children, a lot of times what happens is people, you know, are asking the woman, well, you know, have you tried this with your child? Have you tried this with your child? Have you done this? You know, why is your child acting that way, or whatever, right? Like the questions typically come to the woman. The woman is typically the one who does the research, who who figures out a solution, who is constantly putting in the emotional work to try to help the children navigate situations. And I'm not saying this to pick on men because a lot of men are really wonderful and really do also want to help in those areas. I think the pressure is a lot deeper, it runs a lot deeper for women, and it is embedded in women in this idea of somehow you're supposed to be a nurturer, you're supposed to be the one to fix the emotional problems, you're supposed to be the one that's consistent and there and you know, creating all of these things. And I'm not saying that a man can't do it, a man can do it, but I don't think that they're given the same pressure or the same messages as women are. Women are typically the ones that are at fault when it comes down to it versus men, right? And granted, that's not a blanket statement, that's not always how it is. It's depends on the situation, depends on the culture, you know. What I've seen a lot of, at least in this area, is that you know, that type of mentality. And it's it is really heavy and it is really hard for the mother, you know, who carries this kind of pressure. So when you're you are carrying that responsibility, it's your mind just doesn't get a break. You just don't get a break. It just keeps scanning, it keeps questioning, trying to get it right. And over time that really does turn into guilt, hence mom guilt, right? It's not that other people don't care, it's that you were taught to carry more of the responsibility. And then you add real life on top of that, different dynamics, different approaches, different ways of showing up. And at some point, it can start to feel like you're really, really trying to find your place. Where do I stand? How do I show up in a way that matters? And underneath that, there's the human part, right? Wanting to know that you matter in your child's world. So when I hear this a lot from parents, it's well, my child never thanked me, or or my child never, you know, even especially from parents whose children have grown up, it's like the the one of the main complaints that I hear is that their children aren't grateful for everything that they've done for them. And my my common question is, well, when you brought them into the world, did you expect them to be grateful to you for that? And they're like, no, I I just I wanted them, okay? When you were raising them, did you give them the world? Did you help them with what that you felt like? Did you do the best you could with them, you know, to provide the things that you they needed? Yeah. And would you have done it any other way? No. And so what do you think that your children are going to end up expecting? That this is the norm, right? And you're giving this to them. And it's and it's a wonderful thing, but it's a given. To them, it's a given, right? It doesn't change much of the situation. Now, a lot of children, when they become adults and they have their own kids, you know, typically that's when they start coming back and saying, Oh, now I get it. This was hard, right? But then there's also a lot of criticism and judgment towards parents as to like all the things that they did wrong and so on and so forth, right? And and I I would say that this is the moment where it's really, really important for parents to receive their children. It's really important for parents to receive their children and receive what it is that their children are saying to them, as far as like, man, this moment really hurt me or this moment really bothered me. And receive them with compassion, with acknowledgement, and saying, Hey, yeah, that was hard. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that that affected you in that way, right? So that's called repair. I know I'm going off on a tangent now. I'm like talking all about children growing up and leaving, right? And life as we know it with adult children. Now, I haven't really truly experienced that yet. I my oldest is 18. I just know this from working with many different people and also friends and other people that I've known in situations like these. It is hard out there. It's hard being a child, it's hard being the parent. It's hard. All of it is hard. And coming back to what I was talking about, you know, mom guilt, right? Mom guilt, it's when you want to know that you matter in your child's world, right? And it doesn't feel clear, guilt fills in these gaps. And so a lot of times going back to the adult parent, you know, the parent of an adult, when when they're like, oh, my child never thanks me, never never never recognized how much I've done for them, and this and that, you know, a lot of times really what's happening there is beneath that surface is lack of acknowledgement. But if you really dig deeper, I bet that you would probably find some guilt in it, some questions of what did I do wrong, right? And honestly, you can parent a child to perfection. There's no such thing, by the way, but if if you do parent a child to perfection, they still can turn out to be a serial killer. You know, they still can turn out to be something not wonderful in this world because we have choice. We have choice, we get to choose. No matter what our upbringing is, we still get a choice. And you can also raise a child in the worst of environments, and I'm a testament to this, and they make the right choices, you know. I feel like I could have been, I could have made some really, really, I mean, I made some bad choices, don't get me wrong, but I could have gone a completely different route with my life and it would have been understood, you know. People would have said, oh, well, she came from a terrible background, I get it, you know. But I didn't. So I also have a choice. People who come from bad backgrounds have a choice as well, right? So when that guilt fills in those gaps, right? It tells you stories that you're not doing enough, that you should be different, that you should have handled something better. And the more you listen to that voice, the further you can feel from the relationship you actually have. Because here's also what's true: children don't need perfection, right? As if that actually existed, but they don't need it. There's a concept called the Good Enough Mother from Donald Winnicott. Children grow best with a parent who is present most of the time and who comes back when things aren't perfect. It's actually really important for children to experience this. They see that it's humanity and it's okay. You know, it's the elastic effect. Coming back matters, right? So when we make mistakes, it lets them know it's okay to make mistakes. And also this is how you come back from that, you know. So I'm teaching that. Attachment research from John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth shows that connection is built through consistency and repair, not perfection. And when I really, really, really sit down and think about that, I can think of so many moments, times with my oldest, where I would start lecturing, and this is like when he was younger, even like seven or eight years old, right? And he would say, Mom, I understood what you were trying to say in the first few sentences. You don't have to keep repeating it. And you know, the first time he said that to me, I I was taken back for a second, and then I was like, Oh, and I started laughing. And instead of getting offended, like I took it lightly and laughed, and I took it as a compliment almost that he felt so comfortable with me, that he could be honest with me about what he was experiencing, right? And I I just thanked him for telling me that. And now it's like a long-standing joke, right? Because I go in circles and I talk in circles, and next thing you know, I'm repeating a million things that I'm saying. So it's uh it's really wonderful to be able to have those open conversations. So moments like that really do matter. Or nights where he didn't feel good, and I sat by him for hours just gently caressing his head and not leaving his side. Moments like that matter, right? Or sitting with him when he was older, apologizing for the ways I felt like I got it wrong, and having him hug me and tell me he thought I was the best mom he could ever have asked for. You know, of course, tears rolling down my face make him very uncomfortable, but moments like that really matter, right? They build something even when you can't see it in the moment. And sometimes the pain you carry along the way it transforms. It reminds me of childbirth, the waiting, the Discomfort, the uncertainty. And then the moment you hold your child, something just shifts. And the pain that felt so, so big and unbearable becomes something that you can hold differently. Because what it came from, what actually came from that moment was worth it, right? I would forget all about pregnancy. Like I mean, to be fair, I did not have wonderful pregnancies. And I every every child I had, I had three kids, and every child I had, when it would get close to delivery, like maybe, maybe a month out, I would start panicking. And I just, I was like, oh my God, I can't, I can't go anywhere. I'm trapped. You know, like now their only way out is forward, you know. And it was just one of those feelings of like, oh God, this is coming. I know what's coming, you know. And I dread it until the moment that I have that little baby in my arms. And then I look at that little baby, and it didn't matter what pain I had gone through. It just went away, right? I mean, don't get me wrong, still hurt, but just holding the child just really helped me forget what exactly I was going through, you know. It it was worth it. Definitely worth it. Also, I want to validate that it was painful and it was really hard. So there's that. But maybe that's also true here, right? Maybe the moments that you're questioning, that you you find yourself questioning are still building something, something that your child feels, even if you don't always see it yet. So when that voice shows up, pause and bring yourself back to what's actually happening right now. Not the story in your head, not what you think you should be doing, but that moment in front of you. Because that's where your relationship is built. And you don't have to carry all of it by yourself. You're not failing as a mom. You are navigating something complex while caring so deeply. And the fact that you're questioning, the fact that you're reflecting, the fact that you want to get it right, says way more about you than any other moment ever could. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to get it right every time. You just have to keep showing up because that's what your child will remember. And that's enough. Those moments count way more than you think. Thank you all once again for coming back and listening. And I hope this helps a little bit, you know. If not, that's alright. You know, keep what keep what works and toss what what you don't like or what doesn't fit right. Have a wonderful, wonderful rest of the week. And I will talk with you next week. See ya.